M–
You asked this before. And I completely ignored you. Well, more like “didn’t read that bit because my eyes were filled with smoke and wine”, but here I am. naked, before the internet. Telling you (me, us) what will keep us from eating.
Things that have and have not worked:
Shame. Shame is a good tactic. It allowed me for years to hate my body and wish everything that could help me would.
Willpower. I am stronger than that piece of cheese until it’s covering a lovely slice of toast and pickle, and well, then it’s got a hold on me.
Remorse. For all the beautiful but too big clothes I will have to re-purchase or steal from my friends to fit into things that are 3 sizes bigger than I am now.
Guilt. Guilt works. The Catholic Church has used this for years. God is gonna getcha.
The first time I heard about gastric bypass from my doctor, I was mortified. Mortified that I was so fat that she was encouraging me to cut myself open and get rearranged. I made a promise that I was going to lose weight on my own for three months to see where I was at, and then we could have another conversation. I made an appointment for 3 months later, cancelled after a week of eating non-stop, and never went back to her again.
The second time, a friend suggested that I “never had known normal”. Because I was always large. Too big for child toys (ahh, the hippity hop I never had), not being able to shop without a super plus department (as the department stores only cater to a handful of 24’s), not fitting into chairs with arms. I looked into it, was mortified that my friend would suggest this, and never spoke to her again.
Then my mom had it. And she was peaceful in her decision. She looked great, and felt great and was doing things she had never done before. She jump started my life again.
So I quit smoking and started the path. For a year, I was doing great. And then got comfortable. Met a great guy, started smoking again, started eating again. Wasn’t taking care of myself. And here I am, 18 months out, and panicked that my life will be obese forever.
What will keep me from eating? I don’t know. For me, it’s a combination of feeling so good about myself that the damn tape in my head shuts off and I just get up and go to the gym. That I shop when I am full and only eat food that is actual food (instead of processed carby things). It’s not drinking when I am eating, and maybe even not drinking at all (alcohol). I recently discovered wine and am prone to alone drinking. Growing up with folks that are drinkers, that’s a bad bad scary bad road to go down.
It might be going to weight watchers and believing that I can do it. It might be acknowledging that I am no longer almost 400 pounds, and am now only 70 pounds from my ideal weight. It might be giving myself a chance to be normal, to make mistakes, to love myself.
Sometimes I feel like I missed out on my life.
I’m having a re-birthday. I am saying this stops and new starts. And I am acknowledging I am powerless. Without getting into the whole higher power thing, I am but a spirit in a human world and there are lessons to learn and grow from.
This is the lesson. To love myself so much that I cause no harm. To me, to others.
And when that lovely piece of cheese calls me from the kitchen, I can say no. This time. Right now.
Navel gazing at it’s best.
Much Love,
Kim
melindarae
bigcitygirl73
