This past week March 15, 2009

Hey there,

This past week has been all over the place. I went out to CT to hang with my folks Sunday through Wednesday. I enjoyed myself tremendously. We drank wine, ate great food (most of it WLS friendly, as mom is a post op too), and then did massive food shopping, the likes I have not done in quite some time.

I love going to my folks house. Everything is calm, there are tons of magazines to read, the TV is on, and conversation happens over the TV. Dinner is yummy (my mom is an EXCELLENT cook), and love abounds. We talked about the job search, and how it is different from last time I was laid off. This time, I have a clear idea of what I want and don’t want, and what I expect to get paid. Last time I was switching careers and was at a hopeless loss. Now, I am focused.  Going out there was a bit of a relaxation period– although I didn’t sleep much past 8 every morning, I just focused on me, and not a job search.

My pop drove me home with all my yummy groceries, and then we headed for the best burger ever. It’s interesting that I still think I can eat the same way I did prior to surgery. See, food doesn’t have that same soothing quality it once did. I ate a little less than a half of a burger, and maybe 10 fries, and enjoyed the heck out of it. With no guilt, and no need for a nap after. Very worthwhile.  It’s also good for this big city girl to spend some time with her pop– he’s such a cool guy– he loves music, he likes talking about his work, and he’s funny to boot. He tends to bit a bit shyer when it comes to talking about the big important stuff– his emotional intelligence is a little low, but he always listens and gives good advice. Pop rocks.

And then I spent a few hours with a friend from job bank– drinking wine and having lunch. By 2:30 on Thursday, I was trashed, and proceeded to get more trashed as I met co-workers (former) at 5pm. By 8 I was obliterated, and it took everything I had not to crouch on the subway platform and pee– too much to drink. Out of my mind drunk.  Since then, I have had a glass of wine last night, and it tasted like crap. And have been drinking tons and tons of water.

I went to the WW and lost .6. I felt good about that considering I didn’t write a damn thing down or go to the gym, or move off my couch much. And then, went to the gym.  I think I spend a lot of time in my “all or nothing” phase– it’s part of the disease of compulsive eating. It’s part of what makes me– well– me.  For years I spent weeks doing “everything perfect” for diet and exercise and then have one bad weekend and throw it all away. Sometimes, it would be just a conversation with a roommate, and I’d have to dive into ice cream to make it go away, sometimes it would be a shitty email from a boss or co-worker, but mostly it would be when I was “too tired to think about it”.

I never realized how much I don’t like thinking about food. Meaning, I don’t like planning. I love thinking about food, dreaming of diving in head first to a mountain of cheese and pepperoni, guacamole and chips, steaks, chicken covered in golden mushroom goodness, etc etc. But weighing and measuring and planning and sticking to plan, well, not so much. Actually, not at all.  For me, its kryptonite, one more way to prove I can’t do it. I can’t stick to it, and the tape starts again.

I thought weight loss surgery was supposed to fix that, that I would be perfect every day for the rest of my life. But no, not perfect. At all. Sugar, alcohol, cigarettes, cheese (and full fat cheese), chips, etc etc– bring it all. Hello my old friends. However, I know, these are not friends, just familiar sights that I don’t have to partake in.

This time, WW is different. I am doing it, but haven’t committed to the program. I am using it as a guideline. And I still get up and go to the meetings. And just be the normal non perfect person, who tries to make decent choices. For instance, I chose to stay away from the alcohol this weekend, save for a shitty 5 sips of wine.  I went for a salad at the BBQ place. I stayed away from all the bread at the party. I indulged in ham spread and cheese, but my tummy told me when enough was, well, enough. And I feel no guilt.

This is the difference. Could I do it better? Sure. Am I beating myself up because I am not doing it better? No. I am being an observer in my actions towards food. And seeing where I can shift behaviors, ever so slightly, to make a long term difference. I figure with the surgery, I have a 120 pound start, and now just have to keep tinkering to be the most human I can be. The best I can be for me right now is being gentle.

And now off to cuddle up with the boyfriend on the couch and have jammie Sunday. Naps for sure will happen today. And perhaps, a nice long end of winter walk.

Melinda, are you being gentle with yourself?

Much love–

Kim

It starts with the addiction, doesn’t it? March 11, 2009

Dear Kim-

I’ve been all over the map and flighty with you lately, I know. Life has been all over and flighty with me so I figured I would share the wealth!

It’s interesting that you have rejoined WW. I’ve had moments when I considered going back but then I remembered the resentment I had and the fantastically disordered eating it triggered for me. WW and I are not meant to be, I must admit. But I hope it works for you. It definitely has the feel of an AA group, so perhaps it will help lead to the sobriety you are seeking.

It’s odd that you brought up sobriety, because really, that’s what we are all looking for isn’t it? Normalcy and control and sobriety. But here’s the thing: there is no “sober” when it comes to eating, is there? It’s not like we can stop eating, right? And I think there are times when a little excess is a good thing.

Like this past weekend, for example. Last weekend was the infamous Weetacon weekend put on by the fabulous Weetabix. It is a weekend filled with booze and friends and love and snow. And booyah and pineapple fluff and bratwurst and brownies and hamburgers and fried cheese curds and chili with spaghetti in it. And I had some of it all (except the bratwurst, because I prefer the booyah). I don’t regret a single bite of food that brossed my lips because all of it tasted exactly perfect and was just what I wanted right then, and I didn’t even think about my protein intake. Can you imagine??

See, when I was in WW, I knew exactly how many points were in each bite of food I had. And now, after the surgery, I’ve memorized protein contents. The only problem is that (as my therapist pointed out) I use those protein counts to rationalize an awful lot of my food choices. Lattes have protein! Hell, butter crossaints have like 5 grams of protein! So it’s okay for me to eat those things because there’s protein! So she’s having me work on not thinking about the nutritional content of all of my food, but to start thinking about what I really, truly want and even take it a step further and listen to my body and figuring out what IT wants.

So foodwise, I did okay this weekend. I ate some french fries, I ate some cheese curds, I buried my face in a bowl of booyah. But I only ate as much as I wanted so I never felt sick afterwards, I didn’t feel like throwing up because I was so full, and I didn’t regret any of it.

What I did regret was the alcohol poisoning on Saturday night. I’ve been so lucky so far; every time I’ve indulged in some boozing, it’s been unharmful…easy drunk, easy sober, no hangover and no throwing up. And lots of entertainment for my friends. But this weekend we were at the Bad Bar and I stopped drinking at 11:30 and started pounding water and I could not sober up. 2am came and I was still dry heaving and drunk and totally unable to sober up and quite frankly, it was scary.

It was scary to not know what was going on with me, to not be able to figure out how to make it stop, to think about the damage I might have done to my liver and my brain and teeny, tiny stomach. And it reminded me that I am not normal anymore, and I need to take care of myself instead of damaging myself anymore than I already have. My inner self-destruct mode still hasn’t calmed down yet, I guess. I spent years trying to destroy myself by eating crap that barely qualifies as food and now that I would rather have a salad my inner demons have decided vodka will work just as well. So it’s back to a single glass of wine or one beer for me. Oh, those lovely addictive personality traits. SO much fun to deal with, aren’t they??

I promise I’m back on track with entries this week, pinky swear.

L, M.

Sobriety February 28, 2009

Dear Melinda,

I guess I should have prefaced my last post with– it’s mostly snark, with a tint of real in it.  Absolutely, guilt and shame have helped me along the way to almost 400 pounds,  I’d feel guilty for being heavy, then eat something to forget it, and then feel ashamed. I only ate large quantities with others who were going through the same thing, or found groups of friends that otherwise alternatively pushed emotions away with alternatives that are in the same way addictive.   Just when I think I have healed the guilt of one thing/ issue/ lesson– another surfaces. And then it’s the same cycle again.

What WLS is teaching my head is that ever day is a day to be present. To my emotions, my body, my life. Last night, I was not so present– I drank a bottle and half of red wine, consumed loads of chocolate, and at one point thought I was going to puke. The redeeming factor is that I did it with two of my best friends– and had a fabulous time. But oh boy, am I paying for it today.

Have I told you that recently I am obsessed with addiction shows? Intervention, Sober House, Till Debt do Us Part, and anything that is about drugs and alcohol. I realize more and more, when folks talk about their sobriety, they mean so many different things. It got me thinking, what is my sobriety? Sobriety, according to some online dictionaries, is refraining from excess.  I look around my life, and it is full of excess. Joy, laughter, pain, heartache, love, wishes, dreams. Those are the good ones. (Again, that good and bad thing). Then the not so good ones– the actual things, not emotions: Debt, smoking, sleep, food, alcohol (at times), gossip.

So what would sobriety look like for me? A routine. Convenant with myself that aligns who I want to be with who I am. I want to be a loving, open, accessible woman who is free to express herself emotionally. In some relationships I have this. In others, not so much. Sober for me would be an eating plan, mapping out calories, not the “I don’t know what I want”. It would be saving for things, not spending on whims.  Going to bed and rising at about the same time every day. Refraining from TV when I am bored. Refraining from smoking, eating when I am bored. Starting and finishing projects. Paying bills on time and on schedule.

And making amends. I realize I can’t do this on my own. I need people in my life that support me and that I have a relationship based on love and trust, not because I can help them. And that I love and trust myself to treat myself in a way that honors who I am and what I am to accomplish.

The first step: I joined WW. I figure I am 70 pounds from goal weight. And that an accountability would make a difference for me. This first week, I alternately binged and wrote most everything down. Almost a “this is where I am at week”. And tracked what I was feeling at the time. Like right now, I want a chocolately covered yodel and to wash it down with a huge glass of milk. But I also know I am full from lunch and for once do not have that garbage in my house. So, I just have to keep telling myself it’s nice to want things. I don’t have to have them immediately. I can wait.  I’ll find out tomorrow what a difference of a few small changes has made on the scale. But this was more than “I need to lose weight”.  This is about I need the accountability.

I do feel cleaner inside. And my bills are paid, and my resume is updated, and I am interesting in gaining a life free of excess.

A little deep. But what do you expect. It’s Saturday evening of a terrible hangover.

Have I told you that writing my guts out makes a difference for me?  It does. Thanks to you, I now have a schedule. So jump on board– you too!

Much love–

Kim